Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
