I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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