Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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