There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
