today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
