in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
