You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
