What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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