if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
