btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
