Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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