Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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