I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
