awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
