Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
