saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
