I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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