My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
