I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
