there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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