i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
