Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.