I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?