I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.