When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.