Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?