You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
