I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
