I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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