I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit