I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
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Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.