i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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