I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
