i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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