I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
