he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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