I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
