I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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