So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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