So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
