He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
