Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
