you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
