we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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