Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
