That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
