Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
