I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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