i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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