If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
