I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
