Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
