new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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