Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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