The maid of honor just puked.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
