Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
