How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
