Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's blow job season.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
