I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
