My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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