The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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