My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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