just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
