I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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