My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
